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I'm nothing I'm no one no one at all....
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[Saturday Nov 5, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
I am putting this in writing right now for anyone who reads this and has intentions of contacting me for vengeful purposes. you know whom you are. If I get any e-mails or am contacted in anyway, I will be printing it out and going to the police. I'm sick of this bullshit. please delete any and all information from your computers that you might have that is mine because I don't want it. Nor do I want any contact from you. You are out of our lives for a reason. please stay that way.
I am not out to hurt anyone I am just out to live a normal life a life well lived with out you people in it. thank you.
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[Tuesday Nov 1, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
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| meh |
[Friday Sep 30, 2005] |
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I haven't updated this thing in forever. I guess I should. I'm doing well in college. I'm addicted to my space. Which is bad. I do that more then homework. I'm going to Mom's tonight to hang out with Jet. i've grown up quite a bit and I can see how that's changed my way of thinking. I mean I used to be stuck in such a teenager way of thinking. I've opened my eyes to such a way of thinking that I don't want everything right now. I'm happy with just not knowing all of the answers. I'm happy with just guessing. It sounds odd but when you truely grow up your content with just living. it's hard to explain. I love life and I love my friends. I'm happy with my secrets and the way my life is going right now it's like I'm ment top be in this place at this time right here and now. I'm stronger for the most part for the things I've done.
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| Lyrics Lyrics Lyrics |
[Wednesday Jul 6, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hungry |
] |
CRANBERRIES LYRICS
"Zombie"
Another head hangs lowly,
Child is slowly taken.
And the violence caused such silence,
Who are we mistaken?
But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying...
In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, dou, dou, dou, dou, dou...
Another mother's breakin',
Heart is taking over.
When the vi'lence causes silence,
We must be mistaken.
It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen.
In your head, in your head they're still fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are dying...
In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, oh, oh,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, ya, ya-a...
JACK OFF JILL LYRICS
"When I Am Queen"
When I am queen I will insist with perfect scars upon my wrists
that everything you once held dear is taken away from you
When I am queen sweet girlscout's face and not a one will fall from grace
If all their hearts I could replace, but until then I'll have to...
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown
When I am queen on royal thrown made out of parts of broken bones
of all the devils I have known that suck the angels dry
When I am queen I'll have my way I'll make it drowning dollie day
and all the tears that we have cried will suck back in our eyes
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown
Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby go to sleep
Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby I'll make it be
When I am queen I will not wait my body type will still be great
I will not leave it up to fate because I hate you too
When I am queen they all will see the patron saint of self-injury
the glitter sores will heal themselves I'll play the part of someone else
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown
I miss you - Blink 182
(I miss you miss you)
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in backround of the morgue
The unsespecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end
Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytime
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight
Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head(6x)
I miss you miss you(6x)
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| Don't wanna go to school |
[Tuesday Jun 28, 2005] |
I really don't wanna go to school. I feel like crap. My sides are hurting me again. That and I have a headache there's just to much going on up there. damn. lol
But I gotta go to school damn. damn. damn.
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| My hate list. |
[Monday Jun 27, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Cruxshadow- Even Angels Fall |
] |
I've seen this in a couple different journals so I'll give it a shot.
I hate the way people staire
I hate the fact that I'm sick and their will never be a cure
I hate that it's all my fault
I hate being laughed at
I hate being touched by certain people
I hate getting up in the morning just to face anthor day
I hate being tickled
I hate hurting
I hate abuse
I hate when people force their beliefs on me
I hate when people can't think for themselves.
I hate when I feel worthless
I hate feeling invisible
I hate being me
I hate myself
I hate everything about you and so much more that you'll never know (ex room-mate and a few other people)
I hated getting hacked
I hate not being listened to
I hate getting caught when I cut
I hate feeling suicidal
I hate feeling nothing
I hate feeling as if I can't go on.
I hate no being smart
I hate how I look most every day.
I hate that not one person takes me seriously
I hate fighting
I hate love
I hate being paraniod
I hate being in love
I hate me. Just me.
 | You scored as Goth. Your A Goth!
Goth | | 100% | Rocker, Mosher | | 100% | Emo | | 80% | Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev | | 50% | Skater | | 30% | Prepy | | 20% | Trendy | | 10% | </td>
What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy E.c.t
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| If I died tomorrow would you blood well care? |
[Friday Jun 24, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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An End to the Pain |
] |
I'm really happy. But then I'm really sad. I'm really depressed, but then I couldn't be more frustrated.
I couldn't be more confused about my own personal state of mind. I'm so mentally tired and so physcally tired. That I can't seem to even thing strait anymore.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being forgotton about. I feel like I'm forgotton about on a dailey basis. And I don't know how to fix that.
I think there are a bunch of pregant people in my house... chocoalte and pickles, peanut butter and pickles, ice cream and pickles, WTF?
I'm so sorry for having to make us move again. I'm so sorry for making Mike break down. I'm so sorry for every fucking thing.
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| Guilt |
[Thursday Jun 23, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Chains- Cruxshadow |
] |
There is guilt every where. I feel so guilty for everything I say or do. I feel guilt for wanting and needing things. I feel guilty for things that arn't even my fault.
I feel guilty for people's breakdowns. I feel guilty for having to move- again- I feel guilty for everything little thing that goes wrong. I'm so close to breaking down myself and the people around me know this and I'm scared.
I talked to Mike last night and I cried. Which I hate to do because I never want to see him hurt by me again. But then again what can I do. bleh.
I'm in a catach 22 and I don't know how to get out of it. Maybe I'll run away to Ohio to live. Because then I could run into the special someone there that will always hold a peice of my heart.
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[Monday Jun 20, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
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sleepy |
] |
Part Romantic Kisser |
For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance
You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea
The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood
It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet | Part Freaky Kisser |
When you kiss, you want to experience something new
A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing...
And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable
There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go |
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[Monday Jun 13, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 creative |
] |
I just got Firefox for this computer and omg I love it. I think I'll be able to do more with it now. lol. That and with the recent hack I think it will be better off. But yesh I love it.
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[Friday Jun 10, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
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angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Strawberry Gashes |
] |
after everything I've been going trough. After all the tears I've cried. I can't believe you said that. I can't believe you'd make me feel like shit. I can't believe you could do that to me. well fuck you.
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| Friends Only. |
[Thursday Jun 9, 2005] |
I'm thinking about making this a friends only journal. Just because of everything that has happened. If you're added to my list then you must be important enough to be added.
I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I am not wanted around and that I deserved what happened to me. I want to cry I want to cut. I really don't want to exsist right now. College is going fine... about the only thing that is going good right about now. I can't get that message out of my head. I don't want to be this stain on the human race anymore. Once again there is this great pain in my life that is my fault.
So yeah. I'm unsure of I'm strong enough for this.
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[Tuesday Jun 7, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
did you know that Melancoly in the victorian era was used for the word horny, and if a woman was considered melancoly they where considered insane... and that dilos where created just to cure this disease
Crazy ain't it. That a woman couldn't have sexual disires or wants or needs with out being considered insane. Now there are porn industries with just woman in it and there are adult book stores on every highway.
Where did I learn this? Sociology.
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| OMFG I'm the happiest little shithead in the world |
[Tuesday Jun 7, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ecstatic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Blink 182 I miss you. |
] |
Dale called and he asked me what the job situation was like out here and I told him that it was fairly good. that if your willing to work it seems to be getting better all the time. He told me that his job he's got now is really taking a tole on his health and his family is either go back to school or get a job. and he asked me if he could move out here to be with me.
I think I'm just the happiest little shithead in town right about now. I mean I finnally found someone that loves me I mean really really loves me and I don't think anything could change that.
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[Sunday Jun 5, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
loved |
] |
I ment the sweetest man yesterday. He's so caring and so trust worthy that I could talk to him for hours. So I'm hopefully going over there again today to hang out. If things go well I'll be able to play cards with him. Or something. I dunno. But he's great. I'm still staying the weekend at Rondi's. yesterday, I was at my dad's bbq which was ok. It was very nerve racking for me. I was so nervous because I was meeting the rest of Chri's family and I didn't know how they would react to me. I did however get the rest of my report done. And we played a game and I got to spend some time with my father and my little sister.
I shaved my legs today. Which was intersting because I didn't have a bath tub. oh and FYI WE ARE MOVING AGAIN. I'm getting out of this situation that I'm in because it's not good for my heath.
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| week end away.... |
[Friday Jun 3, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy |
] |
well folks, my mom gets a week end away to see her boyfriend so I get a weekend away as well. ^_^ I get to stay a week end with Rondi who is the sweetest lady I've ever met. So even tough I get a shit load of homework I still can see Miss Congenaility 2. So yeah. Then tomorrow I have a bbq at my dad's house. so yeah tis going to be a busy week end. *_*
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| woot. |
[Thursday Jun 2, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Smells like Teen Spirit - Nirivana |
] |
I got to talk to Dale last night. woot. I'm so happy that I got to hear his voice. I'm so happy that I got to hear him say that he wasn't mad at me for everything that's been going on. It's just been so good to hear him. And now I get so see him. YAY ^_^ I talked to mom about it and we are leaving to go get him on like the 17 which is on a friday and we are going to have him hear by the 19th which I think is a sunday. *dances*
Oh yeah. I woke myself up this morning to the rays of sunshine and I realized shit. I'm late. Now, we had to take someone to the er last night over her hand... now she says she didn't do anything to it but I'm wondering, hands don't just mysteriously break on their own. Sprain maybe break no. so anyways, they had the guy I'm having problems with watch their kid so I'm wonderin again how on my side they are. note to self: watch what you say around them.
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[Monday May 30, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I hate everything about you - 3 days grace |
] |
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| Rant.... you've been warned... |
[Friday May 27, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 scared |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Evanescense DVD- My Immortal |
] |
I realize that you don't want your day filled with talk of him. I realize that your hurt. But guess what it happened to me. It happened to me and to me alone. I have to deal with the feelings of being sick and the feelings of sheer terror when I think I hear his voice when really its all in my head. I'm the one that has to deal with the dreams at night. I'm the one that has to work trough this. I'm the one that has to be trapped and never be alone. I'm the one that has to feel like a slut because I didn't give my body to him.
But you don't see that. You only see that it's you that's hurting and it's you that is in pain. and for that I wish I could just disapear and vanish. I wish this never happened. I wish that this never would be. I wish that I didn't severe the I had with Caroline. I wish none of this happened.
Maybe if I just slept with the stupid bastard none of this would have happened. But then I would be cheating on dale. Whom I love so much. Who could not want me after all of this is over. I just can't think I can't breath. This is haunting me and no one cares.
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[Friday May 27, 2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
I'm still afraid to breath. I'm still afraid to look into the mirror and see myself broken. I'm afriad to step outside my house with out someone at my side. I want someone to hold me and tell me that everything's ok. I want the person here that I love. I know that is selfish of me but I want him here desperatly just to protect me. I want to feel safe.I don't want to feel afraid anymore. I feel so dirty and used. I don't even know how to go on anymore I just want to cry and scream and beg for an end.
On the school front I started my first day of classes today. They went well. I can tell that they will be easy for me. I hope. I think I will be able to do well in both of them.
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chaoticimmortal's journal
